The “I” word (you know that big elephant in the blog) is as much physical as it is emotional. I haven’t talked about emotions much…sure, I may touch on something here or there but I wanted to devote an entire post to the topic. I know you won’t be an expert after a few paragraphs but hopefully you’ll have a better understanding of how I feel and where I’m coming from.
As I stated in a previous post, emotionally…the process of infertility is tough. In one moment, you’re full of hope and excitement but the next moment may bring disappointment and heartache. These emotions are typical for everyone…for so many things that can happen in life. For Team Pug, these emotions have been on a constant loop…regarding the same topic…for 17 months and counting. Trust me, there’s a point in time when it becomes exhausting. But, at the same time you have to stay strong, keep hope alive and keep trying because what if that one month you decide to give up was supposed to be your magic month?!
Because JPug and I have been married 4 ½ years, it’s natural to field questions about when we plan to start a family. When we first got married, I told everyone 5 years for no better reason than to get them off my back. Things fell into place sooner than we both expected and we decided to start trying just after the 3 year mark. Before infertility…I’ll be honest…I was one of those people who asked when a couple plans to start a family. Now, absolutely not…what if the couple is experiencing trouble and I’m rubbing salt in an open wound with my probing questions? I’ve also gotten firmer in my own response. At first I’d stick with the original “5 years” or “eventually” but now I find myself saying something to the effect of “The process doesn’t work for everyone”. By no means am I saying that you have to censor what you say around couples experiencing infertility but sometimes a question that may seem mindless really isn’t mindless at all on the receiving end.
When you long for a child of your own, I think you pay more attention to babies in general…in a cart at the grocery store, in commercials on TV…sometimes it seems like they’re everywhere! I’m not one to go home and cry myself to sleep but on bad days even a trip to Target can be overwhelming. At an age/point in our lives when a lot of friends are expecting, I won’t say it’s not hard. I can think of 8 babies due between November and April right off the top of my head…some are acquaintances from work and others are close friends but Holy Baby Batman...that is a lot!
The emotions wrapped up in friends expecting children are so mixed…a healthy dose of wow, that’s awesome/exciting/congratulations, mixed in with some fear and jealousy. Fear that as my friends’ families expand, change and grow that they’ll leave Team Pug behind. You tend to migrate toward friends who are at the same life stage as you…we’re friends with some pretty terrific people at this stage of our life and I don’t want to lose them just because they’ve moved on and we haven’t. Jealousy, which is a natural, human emotion, rears its ugly head because others have what you so desperately want. I don’t like it, don’t like the way it makes me feel but it’s a fact of life.
Before I finish, I’ll leave you with some food for thought…a few comments I’ve fielded over the past 17 months for better or for worse. Luckily, I understand folks don’t always mean what they say.
- I’m not sure how to react to folks complaining about unplanned pregnancy or sickness because the process worked as intended...I empathize but definitely don't sympathize. My best suggestion is that a woman experiencing infertility is not the person to go to for sympathy.
- "You'll probably love your children more because it’s been harder to conceive". Jeez I hope not...or maybe we will (wink, wink)! Let's not make me question the love you have for your own flesh and blood...
- "Being pregnant isn’t all it’s cracked up to be". I wouldn’t know because I haven’t been there...
- JPug and I literally had a conversation with someone he's known since his childhood that went like this:
- A: “ When are you going to give Ralph & Bev a grandchild?”
- B (Team Pug): “The Process doesn’t work for everyone.”
- A: “Well, you’re obviously doing something wrong” (in an overly snotty tone).
- B (LPug - comment in my head): “Well $%&@!#$%...go fly a kite!”
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