The Little Things

In an effort to be more thankful for all life has to offer, I’ve found myself stopping to relish the little things…this morning I did exactly that.

As I mentioned in my Twenty ’12 post, I’m not a picture taker but sometimes I wish my eyes were little cameras so I could blink and capture exactly what I’m seeing to share with everyone.  On my way to work, I drive east a few miles before turning south onto the highway.  As we all know, the sun rises in the east and this morning’s sunrise over Liberty, MO was not to be missed. 

IT.WAS.BEAUTIFUL.

Today’s forecast called for clouds…some rain or maybe even snow this evening.  For a few minutes this morning at exact time the sun crested over the horizon, the clouds broke and sunshine poured in.  The colors were magnificent as the rays hung to the low cloud base…purple, pink, yellow and orange.  It was a Grand Canyon-esque sunrise just a few minutes from my own backyard.  I was lucky enough to get stuck at both stoplights (which almost never happens) so I could enjoy the view a bit longer.  Who cares if I’m 3 minutes later for work when I can see something so magnificent on the way?!?!

If you live in the KC metro, I hope you saw the sunrise with your own eyes this morning.  If you missed it, hopefully I helped you see it through mine.  Happy Friday everyone…and don’t forget to enjoy the little things life has to offer!

Cherries Jubilee

As a child, my parents took me everywhere…no place was off limits because I was young or came with a few extra accessories (diaper bag, coloring books, etc.).  Everywhere included restaurants…both traditional/everyday and special occasion/fancy.  I can’t say with certainty but I’m pretty sure being exposed great foods at a young age is where my own passion for food began.  One of my all-time favorite desserts was at a local, upscale restaurant near our home in St. Louis.  After finishing our main course, the waiter (or sometimes the owner) would bring a cart around with all the makings for tableside Cherries Jubilee.  The restaurant has since closed but the recipe lives on in my kitchen and I hope you enjoy making it in your own.

Ingredients

• 1 15oz. can Dark Sweet Cherries in Heavy Syrup (our local store carries Oregon brand in the baking section near the pie filling…picture of the can is below)
• 1 Tbsp. Cornstarch
• 1 Cinnamon Stick
• 1 Navel Orange, thick sliced (pithy-end slices removed)  
• ¼ C Brandy (or less, depending on taste preference)
• Long-handled lighter
• Vanilla Ice Cream (enough for 3 – 4 servings)

 Directions

1. Heat wide saucepan over medium/high heat
2. In a small bowl, mix 2 Tbsp. cherry syrup (from the can) with 1 Tbsp. cornstartch, set aside
3. Add cherries and remaining syrup, cinnamon stick and orange slices to pan…cook for about 10 minutes which will allow the cherry, orange and cinnamon flavors to come together
4. While cherries are cooking, portion vanilla ice cream into single-serve bowls
5. Stir the cherry syrup/cornstarch mixture to freshen it up.  Add a little at a time to the saucepan…stirring constantly until the syrup reaches a consistency similar to pancake syrup…not runny (like water) but not too thick (like molasses).  If you find you'd like your mixture thicker, don't add additional corn starch directly to the saucepan as it will clump.  Mix a 2:1 ratio of water to cornstarch in your small bowl and add to the saucepan a little at a time...stirring constantly. 
   
6. Pour brandy on top of the cherry mixture and light with lighter…swirl the pan a couple of times until the blue flames disappear
7. Pour even amounts of cherries and syrup over ice cream and serve quickly as the ice cream will begin to melt immediately.
8. Enjoy!              

Seriously Good Granola

Before I get to the good stuff, a little background…
JPug and I both have full-time jobs. We strive to leave the house just after 7am (if not before) each weekday…I’m not saying we’re always out of the house by 7, but at least we try. Given that we’re up and at ‘em pretty early, we struggle with having delicious yet nutritious grab-and-go breakfasts and lunches. I came across this granola recipe by Alton Brown on www.foodnetwork.com a while back and tweaked it just a bit to suit our tastes. It’s become quite the staple in our morning routine…some greek yogurt, fresh berries and the homemade granola below make for a great breakfast parfait.

Ingredients

• 1 & 1/2 C rolled oats
• 1/2 C slivered or sliced almonds
• 1/2 C chopped pecans
• 1/2 C shredded, sweet coconut
• 1/8 C packed brown sugar
• 1/8 C maple syrup
• 1/8 C vegetable oil
• Pinch of salt
• Cinnamon
• 1/2 C craisins

 
Directions

• Preheat oven to 250 degrees F
• Combine oats, almonds, pecans and coconut in a large bowl
• Combine brown sugar, maple syrup, vegetable oil and salt in a separate bowl
• Once each bowl has been mixed thoroughly, add liquid ingredients to oat mixture and stir
• Spread raw granola evenly on a large cookie sheet and sprinkle with cinnamon (I prefer to line cookie sheets with aluminum foil to simplify clean-up)
• Stir granola every 15 – 20 minutes…total cooking time will be between 40 minutes and 1 hour + depending on your preferred degree of done-ness…you’re looking for an even light/medium brown color
• Once the mixture is finished cooking, stir in craisins
• The recipe above makes plenty of granola for a week’s worth of breakfast. If you want to save time, don’t hesitate to double the recipe and freeze the raw ingredients or finished product.

Enjoy!

Twenty ‘12

This post was originally written much closer to the new year.  Now that all IUI posts have been published, let's move forward...

Considering 2011 went out with a bang, 2012 brings new opportunities, fresh perspective and a welcome change for Team Pug.  Although I’m not much for iron-clad resolutions, I thought I’d share a few ‘areas of improvement’ I identified and will hopefully develop in 2012.

Embrace the Positive, Ignore the Negative

TeamPug has so many wonderful, positive people and things in our lives.  From big picture (freedom, clean water) to everyday (home, job, friends & family) to completely frivolous (JPug’s roadster, enjoying a local lake during summer) we are two lucky peeps.  Amid all the wonderful, I can’t help but magnify our struggles with infertility to a point where one bad overshadows so much good.  It’s my nature to be a positive person and I believe I am on the outside but I have to let go of some of my inner sadness and frustration as it pertains to infertility because I’m only making the road ahead longer and harder on myself and JPug.

Don’t Overdo It

I’m a list maker.  On any given day, you can open my planner (yes, handwritten…circa 1990…insert snarky comment here) and find a laundry list of things to do.  Some things fall into the ‘tonight’ category while others fall into ‘this week’ or ‘eventually’.  Most weeks my list is so long that I could work every minute from the time I get home in the evening to the time I go to bed and not accomplish everything.  This year, I’m going to take my list one item, one day at a time.  I want to cross one item off my list per day and let some of my productivity machine, unachievable high standards fall to the wayside.   

Perfection is Not the Key

One of my high school teachers always preached the phrase (or something very similar) “Nothing is worth doing if it’s not done perfectly”.  For years, striving for perfection is how I lived my life…exhausting, right?!  Luckily, JPug started breaking down that barrier and I’ve gotten a lot better over the years.  I definitely still have my moments but my hope for 2012 is that I realize (in the heat of the moment) that if something isn’t going exactly as planned…that’s perfectly O.K.  99% of the time everything works out just fine so why cause undue stress?

More Pictures, Please

This is completely ridiculous…but it’s true.  I’m HORRIBLE at taking pictures.  If it wouldn’t have been for vacation last spring, I don’t think I would have pulled the camera out all year.  Years down the line, I don’t want meaningless pictures of every inconsequential day but having a picture or two of birthdays, Christmas or New Year’s Eve might be nice.  I’ll start by having the battery charged and camera in my purse…actually taking pictures will have to come next…baby steps, folks!

No matter what your resolution, we hope 2012 brings you and yours health, love and laughter.  Cheers!

What Happens Next?

This post was originally written on Thursday, December 29th...

Today, nearly two weeks after receiving the news, we met with Dr. K for our follow-up appointment.  She started by saying that she was sorry for our loss and continued with what happened and potential reasons why.

What Happened & Why?

In its simplest form, conception occurred…sperm met egg…which is further than we’ve ever gotten before.  Dr. K can be sure conception occurred because the only way an HCG level can be detected in a woman’s blood is from the result of conception.  Somewhere during the process of cell division (growing) and implantation (attaching to the uterine lining to pull nutrients from the mother's body), something went wrong.  What exactly went wrong remains a mystery.  The clinical term for an early loss, like the one we experienced, is chemical pregnancy...conception occurred but the pregnancy was never detected by an ultrasound.  Chemical pregnancies are fairly common...most women don't even know they occur because their bodies will cycle normally just a week or so late.

During my blood work-up after the positive home tests, my hormone levels (outside of HCG) looked good so that’s a positive sign.  It’s likely the miscarriage occurred due to a genetic abnormality and losing the baby was my body and nature’s way of saying…hey, this baby won’t be healthy so we need to start over and give this process another try.  Some promising news…Dr. K said 70% of women who lose their first pregnancy go on to deliver healthy babies the second time around.  I can’t help but look at 70% in school terms...a C- which is unacceptable for my personal, high standards.  Instead, I’ll look at 70% with a new perspective…pretty decent odds.

Moving Forward

Because the process worked (although the outcome wasn’t what we intended), we’ll follow the same course the next time around.  I’ll be on the same drugs at the same doses and visit Dr. K’s office for the same number of appointments.  Between now and then, Dr. K’s office will ensure my cycle re-regulates and my HCG level drops back to 0 (technically less than 3 which is considered negative).  I had blood drawn again today…it’s possible my HCG level has already dropped but it could also linger just above 3 for a couple of months which means my body isn’t quite ready to start the process again.  

Before talking to Dr. K, I consulted two friends who experienced losses of their own…it’s nice to know you’re not alone and I wanted to make sure we were asking the right questions.  They both suggested consulting Dr. K about starting a baby aspirin regimen.  She didn’t bring the topic up during the appointment so I did.  She said she typically doesn’t recommend baby aspirin until a patient experiences recurrent miscarriages but it wouldn’t hurt to start now if I was comfortable with taking the medication.  She went on to explain that baby aspirin increases blood flow to a maturing embryo so it definitely couldn’t hurt.  We also discussed vitamin supplements that might make a difference.  She suggested taking an over-the-counter Vitamin E supplement which has shown to help patients increase/maintain the thickness of their uterine lining.  I'm typically not a fan of taking meds but if a baby aspirin and a Vitamin E supplement prevent future losses and give us a better chance next time around, take them I will.

December is considered a missed month…skipping the process will allow my body to heal physically and our minds to heal emotionally.  If everything checks out, we could potentially start the process again in January or…it may take longer.  For now, we wait and keep hope alive.

Christmas 2011

This post, as well as the previous post "Motivation Lost, Humor Found" were written in the weeks after receiving news of our loss.  Maybe not the cheery posts I typically write but they reflect my true feelings as everything set-in.  

You may (or may not) have noticed that I didn’t post anything about Christmas this year…nothing leading up to the holiday and no quick recap of the weekend’s festivities.  That’s because although the holiday was filled with all sorts of wonderful things to be thankful for, I couldn’t seem to pull myself from under the dark cloud of losing our first baby.  The weekend we heard the news, we went to a friend’s Christmas party, a family party for J’s mom’s side and I spent an afternoon sewing and visiting with a close friend.  It was pretty busy and I was greatful for the distractions but attitude-wise, I just wasn’t myself.  The following week brought the holiday and my parents traveled to KC from St. Louis.  Instead of a cheery, pre-holiday meal with wonderful news of a baby on the way, I sat in a restaurant…crying…and delivered our heartbreaking news…in public…because I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

My mom and I have always loved Christmas ornaments and have quite the collection for our Christmas trees.  While running some last minute errands on Christmas Eve, I came across a pair of angel wings made from white feathers that I couldn’t pass up.  I added the wings to our tree…not as a reminder of the sadness we were experiencing but as a tribute to our process thus far and the hope that remains for the months (and years) to come.  Plus, ten years down the line when the landscape of our family is (hopefully) totally different than it is today, the wings will be a great reminder of our process and how far we came…as a team.

The holiday itself was wonderful.  I made brunch for our little group of 6 (JPugs parents, my parents & us) with help from my parents…the stress that usually accompanies the preparation of a holiday meal was non-existent.  JPug and I received wonderful gifts from our families and hit the mark by giving some pretty thoughtful gifts ourselves.  All-in-all, Christmas 2011 was wonderful but emotionally difficult at the same time.

Motivation Lost, Humor Found

Over the past couple of weeks, I haven’t been very motivated…not motivated to blog, not motivated to chat with friends and definitely not motivated to write out or send Christmas cards (sorry folks, guess those will have to wait until next year).  I’m sure time will pull me out of my funk but for now I’m temporarily content wallowing in my own puddle of self pity for a few minutes each day.  Laughter is typically the best medicine so I thought I’d share some of the thoughts that have crossed my mind recently…

• Yay…I don’t have to give up alcohol, sushi, caffeine, soft cheese or lunch meat just yet.  Cheers to that!
• Honestly, who wants to be (third trimester) pregnant in the heat of summer?  I hate to wear a bikini when by body doesn’t look like a beached whale.  Too bad sweatpants and a hoodie aren’t considered acceptable pool/lake attire.
• I was really looking forward to taking a warm bath with JPug during the cold winter months.  Guess that dream will have to wait for the second winter in a row.
• I was really looking forward to NOT shoveling snow this winter...too bad the world must think I should help JPug shovel instead.

Holding Our Breath

If you're just joining the series, this is post #6 of 6.  If you'd like to start from the beginning, scroll down to the bottom and click "IUI" which will pull up all posts associated to our IUI process.  Once the refreshed view generates, scroll to the bottom and read up. 


Day 30
I took another test today just to be sure yesterday wasn't some horrible, awful, false-positive trick.  Sigh of relief...the second one said "Pregnant" too so now we're cautiously, optimistically, in business.  I called Dr. K's office first thing and let them know the results.

About noon, Dr. K's nurse Jamie returned my call.  I had a short list of questions which she answered thoroughly...next steps, Endometrin refill, TSH regulation during pregnancy, how long we stay under Dr. K's care and potential issues (gasp).  I won't bore you with all the details...just the highlights.

First order of business is a barrage of blood tests.  I'll have blood drawn tomorrow (day 31), Thursday (day 33) and Saturday (day 35) to check for my TSH, Beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone level.  As always, the TSH should be <2.5, there's not much of an initial target for Beta HCG and progesterone should be >10.  I'll remain under Dr. K's care through 8 - 10 weeks of pregnancy...basically, they'll care for me until I can be transitioned over to an OB/GYN.  I'll continue taking Endometrin through my 10th week of pregnancy.  If you don't remember about Endometrin from my previous post...it's a progesterone supplement that will keep the lining of my uterus thick and healthy for our growing Puglet.

Day 31
Today's date is 12/13/11...eek!  let's hope traditionally unlucky 13 is actually good luck for Team Pug!  I went to Dr. K's office for my first blood test this morning.  They called with the results this afternoon and things are looking good.  My TSH was 2.23 (<2.5...yippee!), my Beta HCG was 72 and my progesterone was 25.5 (>10...yippee again!).  Now that we have an initial Beta HCG reading, that will be a major benchmark for the next two tests.  The Beta HCG should double every 48 hours at this point in the pregnancy and my progesterone level should stay the same.  If my Beta HCG level is double on Thursday and double again on Saturday while my progesterone level stays the same, Dr. K's office will consider my pregnancy "healthy" and odds are good that we'll reach the next big milestone...12 weeks.  Fingers are crossed and hopefully Team Pug can keep this string of seemingly incredible luck going!

Day 33
Today I went for my second blood test.  Dr. K's office (and associated lab) is about 45 minutes from our house...in the opposite direction of work...so they allowed me to have the test completed at another branch of the lab just five minutes from home...yippee!  I'm so used to having my drawn these days that the process is strangely routine.  Luckily today's draw was uneventful and I was in and out in less than 10 minutes.  Dr. K's office should have the results by the end of the day.  We're looking forward to the phone call this afternoon but for now...we wait.

Day 34
I didn't hear from Dr. K's office yesterday afternoon and of course my mind starts to wonder...
Did the cetnral lab receive the blood sample and complete the test?  Did the results get lost in "the cloud" en route to Dr. K?  Are they waiting to call to delay bad news?  Man...sometimes waiting just plain sucks.  About 2pm, I called Dr. K's office to ensure I would hear from them today.  They have a strict policy about not returning calls received after 3pm until the next day (in this case the following Monday) so I was sure to leave a message before 3.

Just after 2:30pm (ironically the start of a holiday party at work), Judy returned my call.  She started with "I received your tests results this morning..." and continued with "and the HCG level has actually dropped".  If you remember from earlier in the post...Dr. K's office was looking for the HCG level to double, not drop.  Tuesday's level was 72, yesterday's level was 40.  She suggested that I still have my blood taken tomorrow morning and continue the Endometrin through the weekend but it's obvious what the decreased number means...our joy was short lived and I'm about to lose our first baby. 

It's almost impossible to put into words how devastating this news is.  I understand we weren't at the 12-week mark, hadn't gotten anywhere near the end of the crucial 1st trimester and women lose babies all the time but after waiting nearly a year and a half and finally getting the positive news we had been hoping for...this is almost impossible to bear.  The fact that we're just 9 short days from Christmas...a time to spend and celebrate with friends and family...only seems to add insult to injury.

So many concerns and questions are rushing through my head.  It's likely Dr. K's office will chalk this loss up to genetic abnormality and after a period of time to re-regulate my cycle, they'll suggest attempting IUI again.  But what if history repeats itself and we lose another baby?  What if there's something more wrong with me besides my hypothyroid and small cervical opening and I'll never be able to support a pregnancy?  How many babies do we have to lose before moving on to another option or we consider giving up?  I know my words might sound like a doomsdasy scenario but my head automatically goes to worst case scenario because we've already been through a lot and worst case scenario could be our reality.  I don't like it but that's the cold, hard truth.

Day 35
When it comes to life, I'm not a crier.  I ball like a baby when it comes to even remotely-emotional movies but in real life I do a pretty good job of controlling my tears.  Actually, I think I've only cried once during the process...JPug and I had a knock-down, drag-out fight when he told me I was being too emotional a few months ago.  Last night, I cried myself to sleep and this morning I cried myself awake.  I've been overcome with disappointment, a sense of foolishness and an emptiness in my gut that just won't go away.  JPug and I went for my last blood test at 8am which went just fine...as fine as something like that can go when the doctor's office is only confirming loss. 

Earlier in the week, JPug and I signed up for a new gym...Title Boxing Club...which opened just five minutes from our home.  Although I received a pretty strict "no exercise" policy from Dr. K's office, boxing is ok because I can control the level of intensity and head to the treadmill for a brisk walk if the going gets tough.  Today we went in for our first class...I donned my pink boxing gloves and took my frustration out on the bag.  The hour-long class was really hard but downright wonderful.  I didn't hold back because I figured what's the point?!  Who would have thought the seemingly mindless action of signing up for a gym would turn into something so liberating just 3 days later?  The gym gave me the opportunity to clear my head and get mad.

As the class finished, we unwrapped our hands and packed up to leave, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself.  Will I cry about the situation again?  I'm sure I will but at least I know we made a positive step in the right direction this month. 

Day 36
Today, Judy called with the news we expected.  Team Pug's first baby is no more.  A process that I didn't think could get any tougher took a turn for the worst but we can't deny the fact that the process of conception in its most basic form...worked.  We have a long way to go for the process to work again, carry full term and deliver a healthy baby.  The road ahead will probably be tough but it's one Team Pug will travel together...at this point, I feel like we're running a marathon, 6 inches at a time.

Lucky 11?

If you're just joining the series, this is post #5 of 6.  If you'd like to start from the beginning, scroll down to the bottom and click "IUI" which will pull up all posts associated with our IUI process.  Once the refreshed view generates, scroll to the bottom and read up.  As I stated in the series introduction, please don't make any assumptions, ask any questions or post any comments until the series is complete...you never get the full picture until the puzzle is finished.  Thanks!

Day 29
This morning, day 29, I took the test for formality's sake.

When you wait such a long time for something to happen, your mind dreams up all sorts of things...ways to tell friends & family the wait is over, major holidays that occur during pregnancy, when the baby might be due.  Maybe other women's minds don't think, dream and calculate as much as mine...but mine does.  Luckily I have enough sense to keep my mouth shut through the majority of this crazy-thinking or JPug might think I'm downright nutty.

The number 11 has always been lucky for me.  It started on the day I was born...11-11-83.  As a child, my mom would see 11:11 on a digital clock and tell me to make a wish...still to this day I find myself clock-wishing.  I can't think of a great example right now but all sorts of good things have occurred with when 11s are involved.  Am I making a ridiculous association out of a mere coincidence...yes...but there's a part of me that just can't fight the urge.

In true verging-on-crazy-person fashion, here's the most recent scenario I drew up in my head...
Day 1 of my last cycle was in November (11), insemination was two weeks later...still in November (11)...and the big test (day 29) was 12-11-11.  Three 11s associated with this one scenario...it's got to be Team Pug's magic month!  I finally confessed this insane concoction to JPug on the afternoon of day 28 along with the fact that I knew lucky 11 had finally let me down.  His response..."Well, when we finally are expecting, you'll just have to get a new lucky number".  JPug is a practical thinker so lucky numbers are definitely not his thing.  But for him to throw his own opinions of my silliness out the window...lighten the mood and change my perspective...man, I love that JPug.

Alright, back to the test.  I woke up about 7:15, made my way to the bathroom and did my business.  Once I was finished, I covered the absorbent tip back up to avoid a mess and waited.  The result was supposed to appear in 2 but no more than 10 minutes.  I waited two minutes and a big, somewhat faint blue "-" appeared in the little window...at least I had my answer.

As I left the small toilet area and entered the larger part of our bathroom which has better lighting, the faintest blue "|" caught my eye.  When I say faintest, I literally can't even describe how faint the line really was.  I could only see it in the bright bathroom lights and it was almost indistinguishable.  A few friends who are expecting once told me the faintest "+" still means positive but this "+" was so faint it could have been fabricated in my head.  What to do now?  I'm out of pee but I do have a test from two days ago that I could compare with today's results.

In no time flat, I was digging in the bathroom trash can to compare my test from Friday to the one from this morning (see...full on crazy!).  After a minute or so of rummaging, I finally found it.  As I exited the toilet area, both tests in hand, I heard the sound of footsteps on the tile.  Shoot...I woke JPug up with my rummaging.  As his eyes adjusted to the bathroom light, I cocked my head to the right, scrunched my nose and let out a confused..."So...?!".  We looked at the tests together...agreed there was a VERY (almost ridiculously so) faint blue line on the most recent one and were overcome with the slightest feeling of hope.

At this point, what are two Pugs to do?  Like I said before, I was out of pee and it was still early on a Sunday so we attempted to go back to sleep.  After about 15 minutes, we agreed that WAS NOT going to happen.  I drank some water...then some more.  We watched TV and waited.  About 9am, nature called and it was time for test #2.  Luckily, I was out of appearing/disappearing "+" tests but had purchased some digital "Pregnant"/"Non-Pregnant" tests earlier in the week.  I did my business...waited for the little hour glass to cycle and read the result a couple minutes later..."Pregnant".  HO.LY.SH*T...the IUI process worked...the first time...and Lucky 11 definitely did not disappoint!

IUI Week 4

If you're just joining the series, this is post #4 of 6.  If you'd like to start from the beginning, scroll down to the bottom and click "IUI" which will pull up all posts associated with our IUI process.  Once the refreshed view generates, scroll to the bottom and read up.  As I stated in the series introduction, please don't make any assumptions, ask any questions or post any comments until the series is complete...you never get the full picture until the puzzle is finished.  Thanks!

Day 22

It’s official, Team Pug has been waiting a full week to take the big test.  I’ll be honest, the fact that the test looms in the somewhat near future has probably only crossed my mind once or twice a day.  JPug and I make comments here and there (ok, the comments are typically initiated by me) but it’s by no means the one thing that consumes my every thought and for that I’m thankful.  I’ve stayed busy at work and busy at home which keeps me in a great state of mind.  I’m hoping this week goes by quickly and I don’t get in my own head…no reason to become my own worst enemy.

Day 26
I'd be lying if I said this week hasn't been difficult.  I haven't been experiencing any of the tell-tale signs that signal a woman she might be expecting...some women experience symptoms and others don't so hope lives on.  To be totally honest, my boobs have been a bit sore but I don't know if they've been sore because Baby Pug might be on board, my body is getting used to all the new meds, it's getting closer to that time of the month or I've literally become so psychotic about the situation that my brain has convinced by nervous system they're sore when they're actually not.  Jeez, I sound like a mess! 

Last night, I started the faintest spotting which could signal implantation (although my understanding of the process is that implantation should occur a bit earlier) or the beginning of this month's end.  It's funny how you get so caught up in one month's process (especially when something is exciting and new) that you forget what happened just a month prior.  Since starting my synthetic thyroid hormone, my cycle has been different...which I temporarily forgot.  Instead of starting a full flow on what would be considered Day 1, I spot for 3 - 5 days before my full flow and my cycle Day 1 occurs somewhere between literal Day 4 and 6.

Today my spotting continued and became heavier...not what Dr. K's office would consider a full flow but things really aren't looking good.  On one hand, it's nice to have an answer, know this wasn't our lucky month and move on but on the other hand it's hard.  You build up a lot of (false) hope in a process because it's new, exciting and proven to work but it's kind of a crushing blow when it doesn't work immediately (instant gratification, yes please!).

As I go to bed on night 26, here are my honest, raw thoughts...
There you have it folks...it's likely month 1 of IUI was a bust and we'll get two more chances before we move on to our next option.  We still have 3 more days to wait and confirm with a test but things really aren't looking good.  I shed a few tears, was consoled by JPug and felt a rush of emotions as another failure stared me in the face and the thought of time, insurance coverage and money running out punched me in the gut.  Am I sad and disappointed? You betcha.  But hope lives on...we'll take a test, likely confirm our suspicions and get back on track for next month...BRING.IT.ON.

Day 27
The morning of day 27, I decided to take a test.  It's just two days before Dr. K's nurse, Jamie, told me to test and tests are fairly accurate two days before your missed cycle.  I have to call Dr. K's office about refilling my thyroid supplement so I've decided to discuss the spotting with them as well.  I figured there's no reason to continue the Endometrin for a couple more days only to delay the inevitable.  I rolled out of bed, went into the bathroom and tested.  The type of tests I had weren't digital...just a "-" or a "+" appear depending on the outcome.  A few minutes later, I had my answer...a big fat "-" appeared on the little screen.  That was it, I had my answer and I was definitely going to talk to Dr. K's nurse.

I left a message first thing in the morning and it took literally all day for her office to return my call.  About 3:30pm Friday, Judy called.  I had a short list of questions...thyroid supplement refill, negative test, spotting, potentially skipping the next cycle depending on the days their office is closed around Christmas and whether or not Dr. K would consider increasing my Clomid dose the next go-around.  Was I getting ahead of myself...yes...but JPug and I try to stay informed and what better source of information to rely on than the office that's treating us?  Judy was patient and answered all of my questions thoroughly.  At the end of our conversation, she suggested that I continue the Endometrin for the next two days and take another test to confirm on the original test date...day 29.  I was slightly disappointed that this chapter of the process hadn't come to an end...in my mind it had but if I had to wait two more days to be sure, wait I would.

Day 28
Today was interesting...and totally jam packed.  I ran some errands in the morning and prepared for a friend's baby shower which started just after noon.   After the shower, we came home...changed and attended an ugly sweater party thrown by a friend JPug has known forever.  These two parties...simple as they may seem...can be overwhelming.  It may sound a bit crazy but I find myself preparing for what to expect before attending these type of events.  At the baby shower, you know the expectant mother will be there but what you don't count on is friends or relatives who may also be expecting.  I was expecting 1...but there were 2.  At the ugly sweater party, I was expecting 1 but there were 3.  Not good or bad...just temporarily overwhelming until I adjust to the situation.  After the party, we headed home to get some much needed sleep.