I’ve talked before about how this process can make a girl downright crazy. I’ve found myself turning into my own stalker…stalking my cycle start and number of days, stalking my own feelings as the cycle progresses…do I feel different? do I have any tell-tale signs of pregnancy? I’ve gotten a sinking, heartbreaking, here-we-go-again feeling as friends shared their good news of a baby on the way, sent a shower invitation or texted a picture of momma’s growing belly. I hope you haven’t had to experience these feelings but I have…and I know others who have as they struggled with their own infertility process.
These emotions and about 1,000 more that I won’t write about…so much to write and so little time…can be crippling. Not crippling in a physical sense but crippling from an emotional standpoint. Such an internal conflict...how can you be happy for friends but at the same time sad for yourself? How can you be strong for those two weeks each month where the magic of conception might be happening right under your nose while fighting off the worry, fear and inner turmoil that accompanies those same weeks? How can 18 months of a cyclical, emotional process be good for your long-term health and strength of a marriage? Sometimes I feel like a tornado of 1…spinning completely out of control.
Month 18 is where this all ends. I’m not sure if I’m emotionally exhausted, maturing to a new level in the process or maybe a combination of both. I’ve decided to take all of my eggs out of the “Everything will be ok…someday you’ll have your own, biological children” basket and move a few into the “Maybe not biological children but adopted children who become your own” basket. Adoption is an interesting topic for Team Pug and I’ll definitely address it in a future post but at least a window (or maybe the back door) of my heart is open and I’m letting those feelings make their way in.
Am I giving up hope? Absolutely not. Am I setting realistic expectations for myself, my husband and our process? Yes. What if I kept all my eggs (no pun intended) in the biological children basket and we find out a year from now…30 months into the process…that biological kids just won’t happen? The news would be heartbreaking. But, if some of our eggs are in other baskets, our journey doesn’t come to a screeching halt…it simply detours onto a new highway. Plus, I can’t keep going the way I have been…those sour thoughts and emotions…my head has to be in a better place to lead a happier, healthier life.
My change in thinking won’t take place over night…it’s definitely not a light switch I can choose to turn off immediately. I can honestly say that I’m more at peace with the process than I have ever been before and I’m truly pleased with how far we’ve already come. If I feel myself feeling sad or getting overwhelmed, I’m going to step back and take a deep breath and remember all the wonderful in life I have to be thankful for. Although I wouldn’t wish this process on anyone, I am truly glad for the experience (bleh…though I’d NEVER say that) and believe it’s made Team Pug better, stronger, more thankful and compassionate people.
Love you pal. Jayme
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