This post, as well as the previous post "Motivation Lost, Humor Found" were written in the weeks after receiving news of our loss. Maybe not the cheery posts I typically write but they reflect my true feelings as everything set-in.
You may (or may not) have noticed that I didn’t post anything about Christmas this year…nothing leading up to the holiday and no quick recap of the weekend’s festivities. That’s because although the holiday was filled with all sorts of wonderful things to be thankful for, I couldn’t seem to pull myself from under the dark cloud of losing our first baby. The weekend we heard the news, we went to a friend’s Christmas party, a family party for J’s mom’s side and I spent an afternoon sewing and visiting with a close friend. It was pretty busy and I was greatful for the distractions but attitude-wise, I just wasn’t myself. The following week brought the holiday and my parents traveled to KC from St. Louis. Instead of a cheery, pre-holiday meal with wonderful news of a baby on the way, I sat in a restaurant…crying…and delivered our heartbreaking news…in public…because I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.
You may (or may not) have noticed that I didn’t post anything about Christmas this year…nothing leading up to the holiday and no quick recap of the weekend’s festivities. That’s because although the holiday was filled with all sorts of wonderful things to be thankful for, I couldn’t seem to pull myself from under the dark cloud of losing our first baby. The weekend we heard the news, we went to a friend’s Christmas party, a family party for J’s mom’s side and I spent an afternoon sewing and visiting with a close friend. It was pretty busy and I was greatful for the distractions but attitude-wise, I just wasn’t myself. The following week brought the holiday and my parents traveled to KC from St. Louis. Instead of a cheery, pre-holiday meal with wonderful news of a baby on the way, I sat in a restaurant…crying…and delivered our heartbreaking news…in public…because I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.
My mom and I have always loved Christmas ornaments and have quite the collection for our Christmas trees. While running some last minute errands on Christmas Eve, I came across a pair of angel wings made from white feathers that I couldn’t pass up. I added the wings to our tree…not as a reminder of the sadness we were experiencing but as a tribute to our process thus far and the hope that remains for the months (and years) to come. Plus, ten years down the line when the landscape of our family is (hopefully) totally different than it is today, the wings will be a great reminder of our process and how far we came…as a team.
The holiday itself was wonderful. I made brunch for our little group of 6 (JPugs parents, my parents & us) with help from my parents…the stress that usually accompanies the preparation of a holiday meal was non-existent. JPug and I received wonderful gifts from our families and hit the mark by giving some pretty thoughtful gifts ourselves. All-in-all, Christmas 2011 was wonderful but emotionally difficult at the same time.
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