Holding Our Breath

If you're just joining the series, this is post #6 of 6.  If you'd like to start from the beginning, scroll down to the bottom and click "IUI" which will pull up all posts associated to our IUI process.  Once the refreshed view generates, scroll to the bottom and read up. 


Day 30
I took another test today just to be sure yesterday wasn't some horrible, awful, false-positive trick.  Sigh of relief...the second one said "Pregnant" too so now we're cautiously, optimistically, in business.  I called Dr. K's office first thing and let them know the results.

About noon, Dr. K's nurse Jamie returned my call.  I had a short list of questions which she answered thoroughly...next steps, Endometrin refill, TSH regulation during pregnancy, how long we stay under Dr. K's care and potential issues (gasp).  I won't bore you with all the details...just the highlights.

First order of business is a barrage of blood tests.  I'll have blood drawn tomorrow (day 31), Thursday (day 33) and Saturday (day 35) to check for my TSH, Beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone level.  As always, the TSH should be <2.5, there's not much of an initial target for Beta HCG and progesterone should be >10.  I'll remain under Dr. K's care through 8 - 10 weeks of pregnancy...basically, they'll care for me until I can be transitioned over to an OB/GYN.  I'll continue taking Endometrin through my 10th week of pregnancy.  If you don't remember about Endometrin from my previous post...it's a progesterone supplement that will keep the lining of my uterus thick and healthy for our growing Puglet.

Day 31
Today's date is 12/13/11...eek!  let's hope traditionally unlucky 13 is actually good luck for Team Pug!  I went to Dr. K's office for my first blood test this morning.  They called with the results this afternoon and things are looking good.  My TSH was 2.23 (<2.5...yippee!), my Beta HCG was 72 and my progesterone was 25.5 (>10...yippee again!).  Now that we have an initial Beta HCG reading, that will be a major benchmark for the next two tests.  The Beta HCG should double every 48 hours at this point in the pregnancy and my progesterone level should stay the same.  If my Beta HCG level is double on Thursday and double again on Saturday while my progesterone level stays the same, Dr. K's office will consider my pregnancy "healthy" and odds are good that we'll reach the next big milestone...12 weeks.  Fingers are crossed and hopefully Team Pug can keep this string of seemingly incredible luck going!

Day 33
Today I went for my second blood test.  Dr. K's office (and associated lab) is about 45 minutes from our house...in the opposite direction of work...so they allowed me to have the test completed at another branch of the lab just five minutes from home...yippee!  I'm so used to having my drawn these days that the process is strangely routine.  Luckily today's draw was uneventful and I was in and out in less than 10 minutes.  Dr. K's office should have the results by the end of the day.  We're looking forward to the phone call this afternoon but for now...we wait.

Day 34
I didn't hear from Dr. K's office yesterday afternoon and of course my mind starts to wonder...
Did the cetnral lab receive the blood sample and complete the test?  Did the results get lost in "the cloud" en route to Dr. K?  Are they waiting to call to delay bad news?  Man...sometimes waiting just plain sucks.  About 2pm, I called Dr. K's office to ensure I would hear from them today.  They have a strict policy about not returning calls received after 3pm until the next day (in this case the following Monday) so I was sure to leave a message before 3.

Just after 2:30pm (ironically the start of a holiday party at work), Judy returned my call.  She started with "I received your tests results this morning..." and continued with "and the HCG level has actually dropped".  If you remember from earlier in the post...Dr. K's office was looking for the HCG level to double, not drop.  Tuesday's level was 72, yesterday's level was 40.  She suggested that I still have my blood taken tomorrow morning and continue the Endometrin through the weekend but it's obvious what the decreased number means...our joy was short lived and I'm about to lose our first baby. 

It's almost impossible to put into words how devastating this news is.  I understand we weren't at the 12-week mark, hadn't gotten anywhere near the end of the crucial 1st trimester and women lose babies all the time but after waiting nearly a year and a half and finally getting the positive news we had been hoping for...this is almost impossible to bear.  The fact that we're just 9 short days from Christmas...a time to spend and celebrate with friends and family...only seems to add insult to injury.

So many concerns and questions are rushing through my head.  It's likely Dr. K's office will chalk this loss up to genetic abnormality and after a period of time to re-regulate my cycle, they'll suggest attempting IUI again.  But what if history repeats itself and we lose another baby?  What if there's something more wrong with me besides my hypothyroid and small cervical opening and I'll never be able to support a pregnancy?  How many babies do we have to lose before moving on to another option or we consider giving up?  I know my words might sound like a doomsdasy scenario but my head automatically goes to worst case scenario because we've already been through a lot and worst case scenario could be our reality.  I don't like it but that's the cold, hard truth.

Day 35
When it comes to life, I'm not a crier.  I ball like a baby when it comes to even remotely-emotional movies but in real life I do a pretty good job of controlling my tears.  Actually, I think I've only cried once during the process...JPug and I had a knock-down, drag-out fight when he told me I was being too emotional a few months ago.  Last night, I cried myself to sleep and this morning I cried myself awake.  I've been overcome with disappointment, a sense of foolishness and an emptiness in my gut that just won't go away.  JPug and I went for my last blood test at 8am which went just fine...as fine as something like that can go when the doctor's office is only confirming loss. 

Earlier in the week, JPug and I signed up for a new gym...Title Boxing Club...which opened just five minutes from our home.  Although I received a pretty strict "no exercise" policy from Dr. K's office, boxing is ok because I can control the level of intensity and head to the treadmill for a brisk walk if the going gets tough.  Today we went in for our first class...I donned my pink boxing gloves and took my frustration out on the bag.  The hour-long class was really hard but downright wonderful.  I didn't hold back because I figured what's the point?!  Who would have thought the seemingly mindless action of signing up for a gym would turn into something so liberating just 3 days later?  The gym gave me the opportunity to clear my head and get mad.

As the class finished, we unwrapped our hands and packed up to leave, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself.  Will I cry about the situation again?  I'm sure I will but at least I know we made a positive step in the right direction this month. 

Day 36
Today, Judy called with the news we expected.  Team Pug's first baby is no more.  A process that I didn't think could get any tougher took a turn for the worst but we can't deny the fact that the process of conception in its most basic form...worked.  We have a long way to go for the process to work again, carry full term and deliver a healthy baby.  The road ahead will probably be tough but it's one Team Pug will travel together...at this point, I feel like we're running a marathon, 6 inches at a time.